When my oldest daughter was born, my husband and I arrived home from the hospital shortly before the doorbell rang and in walked my sister and my parents, fresh from the airport. What a joy it was to have my parents see my new daughter, and to have the support of family for two weeks as a brand new mother. Laundry, food, and cleaning all taken care of by my parents and my husband. My sister was a huge help, too. Then, all of that wonderful support went away! My husband and sister returned to work, and my parents returned to West Virginia. I finished my maternity leave joyfully with my daughter, but quickly realized in those first weeks how little time there was to take care of myself as a mother!
I would lay my daughter down for a short nap and run around the apartment gathering laundry, then fill and start the washer just before she needed me again. I would nurse my daughter, then hurry to replace fluids and quench my thirst by pouring myself a glass of water. I would put her in her swing or carseat, and quickly make myself lunch or begin dinner. I remember thinking, “I don’t even have time to paint my toe nails!”. Such is motherhood–all too often placing your children or your spouse before yourself.
My own mother stayed home with my sister and I until I was a sophmore in high school, when she began working outside the home part-time. How she worked in the home, though! My parents virtually built my childhood home themselves, so my mom had two little kids in tow as she gardened, canned, cleaned, line-dryed clothes, layed oak hardwood floors and much more! From the time my dad left for work until he returned at night, she was on her own with us! I stopped napping at two or so (I won’t allow that with my own children!!!), and she didn’t have any space from us to take care of herself or to accomplish tasks. To this day, she will offer to take the screwed up piece of meat or will put off something for herself to take care of someone in our extended family. So…as a mother, I somehow unconsciously decided I would do all my mom did and work part-time or full-time, too. I fashioned my own form of motherhood, largely isolated from other mothers, largely burnt out, ignoring my own needs to relax or pursue personal interests. I was largely ineffective, but hey, I was there for my kids, wasn’t I?
Early this year, at age thirty seven and having been a mother for nearly 10 years, I began to feel really unwell. I could detect a definite change in my health–I felt really old. Heart palpatations, depression (who ever knows how to rate its intensity), a lack of joy, resentment, and weight gain despite routinely neglecting my own nourishment. I knew I had to do something to literally save my life, as I knew ignoring these symptoms and feelings could shorten it. I didn’t want to band-aid my situation. I wanted to find a way to fix up “all” of me. My sister and I were finally bright enough to begin working with one of our clients, Dio Miranda, who is C.H.E.K. practitioner. These last couple of months have been amazing! I have been open to where this journey leads me, with the only expectation being that I would surely feel better. There has been analysis of what we eat, how we eat, and how we feel afterward that I have come to appreciate. There has been exercise, first to heal and meditate, but now with more intensity for just 30 minutes per day to begin losing weight and developing cardiovascular wellness. Mostly, there has been a lot to think about as a result of the gentle questions Dio asks or kernels of truth he places in my mind. My truths are:
~I can’t give what I don’t have: to my family, my job, my business, to the children I serve
~no one is responsible for my health or happiness but me
~I am the heart of my home–its nutritionist, accountant, business manager, social events planner. I need to invest in me to “do it all”!
~other people have done little to me, I have allowed undesirable things in my life by having “flexible” boundaries, by being too polite, by being (gasp!) nice and unselfish!
~forgiveness is mostly for my benefit–“let it go”
~I deserve 30-60 minutes each morning to take care of myself before I attempt to take care of my family or my other responsibilities. Moreover, this is a requirement for my health!
~I should make a plan to determine exactly the parts of my business that bring me personal joy and do those as my work
~I need to make time to spend with my spouse, and each of my children individually–it’s not fair to lump them into a “wolf pack” that needs all of me at once.
~the world gives me so much good when I think the best of people and when I believe my experience in the world is a positive one
~I am super-duper powerful! I have the power to create just what I want.
Hmm…I don’t know what to say except I am a woman and a mother in transition. I can’t go back and re-do a decade of my life, but I certainly can make changes in the way I go about things. Please don’t get me wrong, either. It wasn’t all bad! I think my three kids have had a great life because of me–it just wasn’t necessary for me to lose myself for them to be happy!
Each woman has to find her way in motherhood, but I would certainly encourage all moms to luxuriate in books and laughter, in friends and personal interests, in music and art, whatever it is that is a selfish pleasure–any piece of the woman that was before she became “Mother”.
~Leslie
